When I started my blog, I did so with no real concept of direction. Many years have passed since I openly wrote about my life and happenings. Even so, I still am uncertain whether or not I should blog about myself or just the perspectives I carry regarding life and society. While it may seem easy for others to openly share life events, I am hesitant. One never really knows how far news will travel until it is too late to stop its journey. For all intensive purposes I am no different than most Americans – trapped within the confines and pains of the soul.
My vision of the world has been tainted. My vision of life is estranged from truth. Life as I know it is far from accurate. The looking glass is far too persuasive in its reflective images of time. I use to see the world with open envy, ready to partake and explore. Now I am merely a participant of convenience. Since loosing all my belongings I have learned to withdraw from the world and live within a private compartment, some times ashamed I had allowed my circumstances to tear me down. Other times I sit behind the walls of confinement believing that life is perfect; believing my circumstances were not of my making, but, a casualty of a bubble burst.
Despite the gloom and doom of my torment I see life move forward without my participation. I once believed I could do anything, unafraid of the what if’s. Those days seem nearly nonexistent; a dream dreamt by our college bound youth. I would like to be that person again – hopeful, idealistic, and ready to explore and experience all that has yet to be. Sadly, I can only muster small doses of desire for I lack motivation and determination – the true victims of the bubble burst.
I should be ecstatic. I should be feeling something. Unfortunately I represent a slip disc. Maybe I need to share these emotions and thoughts. Maybe I don’t need to. I am unsure. What I do believe is that I am not alone, but, only a person who wears my soul can understand why I feel so lost. Everything I once was is now dormant or dead. Now I must learn to be me again. I must relearn how to live. This is the time to rediscover a new identity, release the attachment to the old, undeserving ideal of me. We will see where that leads….
For now I am going to get the laundry done and feed the dogs. My how my life has changed…
*** Today is the beginning, but, is tomorrow the end?
- A. Rod
- A. Rod