Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Victim of the Bubble Burst

When I started my blog, I did so with no real concept of direction.  Many years have passed since I openly wrote about my life and happenings.  Even so, I still am uncertain whether or not I should blog about myself or just the perspectives I carry regarding life and society.  While it may seem easy for others to openly share life events, I am hesitant.  One never really knows how far news will travel until it is too late to stop its journey.  For all intensive purposes I am no different than most Americans – trapped within the confines and pains of the soul.

My vision of the world has been tainted.  My vision of life is estranged from truth.  Life as I know it is far from accurate.  The looking glass is far too persuasive in its reflective images of time.  I use to see the world with open envy, ready to partake and explore.  Now I am merely a participant of convenience.  Since loosing all my belongings I have learned to withdraw from the world and live within a private compartment, some times ashamed I had allowed my circumstances to tear me down.  Other times I sit behind the walls of confinement believing that life is perfect; believing my circumstances were not of my making, but, a casualty of a bubble burst.

Despite the gloom and doom of my torment I see life move forward without my participation.  I once believed I could do anything, unafraid of the what if’s.  Those days seem nearly nonexistent; a dream dreamt by our college bound youth.  I would like to be that person again – hopeful, idealistic, and ready to explore and experience all that has yet to be.  Sadly, I can only muster small doses of desire for I lack motivation and determination – the true victims of the bubble burst. 

I should be ecstatic.  I should be feeling something.  Unfortunately I represent a slip disc.  Maybe I need to share these emotions and thoughts.  Maybe I don’t need to.  I am unsure.  What I do believe is that I am not alone, but, only a person who wears my soul can understand why I feel so lost.  Everything I once was is now dormant or dead.  Now I must learn to be me again.  I must relearn how to live.  This is the time to rediscover a new identity, release the attachment to the old, undeserving ideal of me.  We will see where that leads….

For now I am going to get the laundry done and feed the dogs.  My how my life has changed…  

*** Today is the beginning, but, is tomorrow the end?
- A. Rod

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